May 29, 2026 · PM edition

AI Trades Your Money, Fed Flinches, and a 6-9 Kid Throws Flames - Friday Recap

The AI is trading your money, the Fed is guessing, and the only honest actor this week is an 18-year-old who just throws as hard as he can.

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Full recap

Happy Friday, thought criminals. Let it resonate. The market's midday mover list reads like a fever dream - Nextpower, AST SpaceMobile, Dell, NetApp - a parade of tickers that sound like they were named by a random word generator at a tech conference. Nothing says 'healthy price discovery' like watching a handful of names swing wildly while the rest of the market pretends to be dignified. Fed Governor Michelle Bowman stepped up to the podium today to say the quiet part loud: hiking rates to fight inflation caused by energy prices and tariffs is basically shooting the messenger. She's not wrong. Raising the cost of borrowing to punish consumers for expensive oil is like charging someone extra for their hospital bill because ambulances cost too much. The logic is there if you squint hard enough and ignore everything you know about cause and effect. Robinhood's new AI agent can now trade your portfolio and run your credit card with, quote, 'minimal human involvement.' Somewhere a GameStop ape is weeping into his energy drink, nostalgic for the days when at least a human was making the bad decisions. We've officially outsourced the financial self-destruction to the machines. Progress. The Robinhood-AI thing connects cleanly to the midday mover chaos, by the way. When your brokerage deploys autonomous agents that can execute trades at scale, the 'biggest movers' list stops being a signal and starts being a scoreboard for algorithmic chaos. Congrats, retail investors - you're now the liquidity. On the diamond, the sports world is doing what it does every Friday: pretending that betting models and expert picks are journalism. Phillies vs. Dodgers gets the full SportsLine treatment, with Freddie Freeman flagged as a home run prop. Somewhere a 'proven expert' ran 10,000 simulations on Braves vs. Reds and arrived at a pick that will age like warm milk by the seventh inning. The one genuinely interesting story this week is 18-year-old Brody Bumila - 6 feet 9 inches, 101 miles per hour, and projected as a first-round draft pick. The kid is being called the next Randy Johnson or Chris Sale, which is the kind of comp that either launches a legend or haunts a career. Either way, he throws harder than the Fed can think, which puts him ahead of most institutions right now. It's Friday. The AI is trading your money, the Fed is threading a needle blindfolded, and a teenager from somewhere is throwing 101 at grown men for fun. Enjoy the weekend, thought criminals. Let it resonate.

Highlights

  • Robinhood's AI agent now trades your portfolio and swipes your credit card autonomously - because apparently the only thing missing from retail investing was removing the last human safeguard.
  • Fed's Bowman correctly notes that hiking rates to fight tariff-driven inflation is ineffective - a rare moment of institutional self-awareness that will almost certainly be ignored by the committee.
  • Brody Bumila at 18 years old throws 101 mph and stands 6-9, which is more measurable output than most macro forecasters have produced all quarter.
  • The 'proven model' simulated Braves vs. Reds 10,000 times - the Fed should hire these guys, at least they show their work.

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