Full recap
Happy Tuesday, degenerates. The Strait of Hormuz is closed - not a typo, not a drill - and Piper Sandler is out here telling clients oil is going to new highs this summer. Nothing says Memorial Week like a geopolitical chokepoint reminding you that civilization runs on a liquid that some guys with boats can just... stop. Fill up your tank. Seriously. Zscaler, Insulet, and Box all made big moves after hours, which is Wall Street's way of saying 'we waited until you went to sleep to tell you something important.' If you held any of these names into earnings without a plan, congrats on the cardio - your heart got a workout. Pope Leo has entered the AI chat. The Holy Father is officially worried about machines taking human jobs, and traders on Kalshi agree - they're pricing in a spike in unemployment before 2030. So we've got the Pope and the prediction markets aligned on something. That's either deeply reassuring or the most terrifying consensus trade in history. Probably both. Meanwhile, the U.S. government handed a $2.9 billion loan to Perpetua Resources to dig up gold and antimony in Idaho. Critical minerals. Strategic assets. The kind of stuff that makes geopolitical sense even when nothing else does. While everyone's distracted by the Hormuz drama, the real chess is being played underground in the Pacific Northwest. On the sports desk: the Belmont Stakes is June 6 at Saratoga, and an expert who's hit 4 of the last 8 winners has his picks ready. That's a 50% hit rate on a field where the average human is batting roughly 'vibes.' In a world where oil analysts and popes can't agree on the future, maybe horse racing is the last honest market. The SportsLine model ran Nationals vs. Guardians 10,000 times. Ten. Thousand. Times. The Strait of Hormuz is closed, AI is eating jobs, and somewhere a computer is simulating Washington baseball into oblivion over and over again. This is fine. The 49ers fantasy deep dive is already out, which means fantasy football season prep is officially underway before the NBA Finals are done. The American sports calendar has no chill and no shame. Your mock drafts will not save you, but they will consume you - and honestly, same energy as checking oil futures at midnight. Bottom line tonight: energy prices are going up, jobs might go away, the Pope is nervous, and a miner in Idaho just got $2.9 billion to dig holes. Hedge accordingly. Sleep if you can.
Highlights
- Strait of Hormuz closed for months - Piper Sandler says oil hits new highs this summer; your commute just became a macro trade
- Pope Leo and Kalshi prediction markets agree AI is going to wreck the labor market before 2030 - when the Vatican and degens align, pay attention
- The SportsLine model simulated Nationals vs. Guardians 10,000 times so you don't have to think, yet somehow you're still going to bet the under on gut feel
- Perpetua Resources scores a $2.9B government loan to mine Idaho for gold and antimony - turns out 'digging holes in America' is now official foreign policy
- Fantasy football 49ers deep dive dropping in May is peak American derangement and we are fully here for it
Original source links
- CNBC: Stocks making the biggest moves after hours: Zscaler, Insulet, Box and more
- CNBC: Piper Sandler says Strait of Hormuz to remain closed for months and oil to hit new highs
- CNBC: Pope Leo is concerned about AI replacing human work. Traders share his concern long term
- CBS Sports: 2026 Belmont Stakes odds, date, predictions: Expert who hit 4 of last 8 winners reveals horse racing picks
- CBS Sports: Nationals vs. Guardians prediction, odds, time: 2026 MLB picks for Tuesday, May 26 from proven model
- CBS Sports: Fantasy Football 2026 49ers deep dive: Player outlooks, players to target, avoid at ADP and more